Hey 20 Percent,
Germans maybe love the laminated sign more than bread.
Back when we were producing an English edition at the now pro-Russia Berliner Zeitung, they even updated their laminated signs reminding employees to clean up in the kitchen and use the toilet brush to include English.
And so I was surprised when the woman handing me my citizenship certificate two months ago warned me against laminating or punching holes in it.
“That will invalidate it and you’ll have to get a copy that says ‘COPY’ on the front,” she said. “This is the only one you’ll get that looks like this.”
For a brief moment I wondered why I had even become German. A large part of the now-German me wanted to laminate anything paper that came into my grip. And if not laminate then punch holes in it and put it in an ORDNER (two-ring binder).
She then said the thing to do was to get a plastic sleeve and put it in that and then put it in the Ordner. So that’s what I did. I can’t imagine I’ll ever actually look at it again — maybe I’ll show it to my grandkids, if the world survives that long.
And just a quick reminder that you can get tickets for 100% Funny, our English comedy night (Pavlo Voytovych, Fitz Gessler, Carmen Chraim, Masoud Akbarzadeh) here, and our latest podcast here.
Have a good weekend y’all! Maybe laminate something for fun.
Andrew
Russisches Haus closing, sort of
And is there a more German thing than wanting to sanction someone but having bureaucracy get in the way? The German government said it would close the Russisches Haus on Friedrichstraße in Mitte as part of a handful of sanctions against Russia for an attempted drone attack at the Leipzig airport last month, according to Die Zeit. But it’s unclear when exactly the building will close because an agreement between Germany and Russia guarantees the largest Russian cultural center outside Russia can use the building until July 2027 — Germany has begun the official process of ending the agreement in July. Russian employees at the site have been given until Sept. 18 to leave the country but Germany wants to keep to the agreement even though you’d think attempting to bomb cargo plans in Leipzig would allow you to terminate it immediately. The building itself belongs to Russia while the real estate belongs to Germany.
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Union to play at Olympiastadion longer
Berlin’s only top league soccer club has fallen victim to Germany’s love of paperwork. 1. FC Union Berlin will have to play home games at the Olympic stadium six months longer than expected after the bureaucracy coupled with the expansion of its Alte Försterei stadium in Köpenick pushed back construction. Union had expected to play home games at the Charlottenburg stadium, home to cross-town rival Hertha Berlin, during the 2027/2028 season but it will now have to play home games away until early 2029, when the construction is expected to be finished, according to RBB24. The club is spending €190 million to expand its home stadium to 40,000 seats from 22,000.
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The news is already ridiculous. The Kee News makes it worse.
Five comedians bring brand-new jokes about this week's headlines, then let the audience throw news stories at them to riff on live. It's in English, this Saturday at 17:30 at The Wall Comedy Club.
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The cuffs are too tight, Andreas
The Berlin cop arresting you is most likely named either Andreas or Nicole, according to the Morgenpost. Those are the two most popular first names among Berlin’s 28,000 officers followed by Anja, Julia, Claudia and Sabine for female officers. For men it’s Thomas, Michael and Christian. Asking about first names is a loaded question in Germany since conservative (and often racist) politicians often call for the release of first names in high-profile cases in order to prove the perps aren’t German and/or come from immigrant families. In this case, I just thought it was funny.
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😟 Minorities fear AfD win in Saxony-Anhalt
👩🦳 Russia closing local Goethe Institutes
Factoid
The Funkturm, Berlin’s other television tower, turned 100 Thursday. It opened Sept. 3, 1926, complete with restaurant and visitor platform. The 146-meter tower transmitted its first radio show in 1926 and the first test television signals in 1929. It even transmitted the world’s first-ever TV show in 1932.
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Somebody jumping from the 2nd floor